I Still Believe That I Cannot Be Saved
by Vince Stevens
Summary: Rating is for severe depression and suicide attempt. Kurt loses Amanda after performing the penance mandated by his priest. How will this shake the German Catholic's faith? Who will help him pick up the pieces to his life now that his love is gone?
1. Reconciliation and Penance of a Demon

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Please don't sue me.  
  
For all those readers who wish to know, this fic was inspired by two things: taekwondodo's fic "Playing With Fire" and Smashing Pumpkins song: Bullet with Butterfly Wings. The latter of the two truly gave me the inspiration since I was thinking about everyone's favorite fuzzy elf as I heard the song on the radio the other day. Taekwondodo brought up an interesting point about Kurt: what about that tail? It's not completely impossible that Kurt's tail is an errogenous zone for him. In fact, this idea could be part of the reason why the fuzzy elf is such a devout Catholic: he feels impure by the way in which someone touching/stroking his tail makes him feel. Now, I know that in many fics, Kurt uses his tail to wrap around the waist of whichever girl, Kitty/Amanda/OC he seems to fall for. However, what if that sort of touch can only be prompted by him without such impure feelings coming to mind? This fic deals partially with Kurt's past, but also with his religious beliefs. Kurt is with Amanda at the beginning of this fic, but will she stay with him? Or will one of them botch the relationship. Only time and inspiration will tell. Now, on to the fic...  
  
I Still Believe That I Cannot Be Saved  
  
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been vone veek zince my last confession." said a young male voice with a thick German accent. He sat in the booth of the confessional as he extolled his sins on the waiting ears of the priest in the adjoining booth. He always came to Mass regularly and confessed as regularly as possible, but a part of him still felt dirty, vile, and unworthy of his God's unconditional love. After all how could anyone, even a divine entity, love such a demonic-looking being. Part of him always wondered if all those people back in Germany had been right when they called him a demonic moster...one of Satan's spawn. After all, despite the people at the Institute accepting his looks, not one of them failed to recoil from his visage when first presented with the REAL Kurt Wagner. Except of course for the Professor. However, he guessed that even the mighty telepath recoiled somewhat when he first glimpsed at Kurt when Cerebro first registered his powers manifesting.   
  
"Please tell God what has happened to make you sin, my son. God, in all his benevolent mercy will help you."  
  
"I have lusted vor another. I am impure in zpirit, Father."  
  
" I understand, my son. Please perform your prayer of contrition."  
  
" Dear Lord, your humble and unvorthy zervant asks vor your eternal and almighty vorgiveness. I have lusted vor a girl who iz very dear to meine heart. I ask you, my Lord almighty, bestow upon zis unvorthy zervant ze strength to overcome ze trials put before him. I ask zis in ze name of your son Jesus Christ, meine Lord and zavior. Amen."  
  
"In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost I absolve you of your sins. As a penance, I would like you to pray three rosaries and talk to the person for whom you lusted about your feelings."  
  
"Ja, Vater. Dankeschön."  
  
"You are very welcome, my son."  
  
With that, Kurt Wagner, aka The Fuzzy One/Nightcrawler/Elf, left the confessional and headed home.  
  
  
  
***  
  
As soon as he was within the gates of the Institute, he quickly teleported to his room in the mansion's second floor. As he appeared in a puff of smoke, he quickly went to his nightstand and pulled out the top drawer. There he found a small metal case with an embossed picture of Saint Vincent. He opened the fragile clasp and removed a small silver rosary. He quickly closed the clasp and set the case on his nightstand as he teleported to the roof of the Institute.  
  
He had always found that he prayed best in solitude. But no solitude was ever grander than staring peacefully at the sky from the Institute's rooftop. In fact, there was no greater place to commune with God than where the ground met the sky and this was the closest he could come to that and not get ostracized for it. Soon, the muttering chant that is the praying of the rosary began. He quickly finished the first two decades of the rosary and within thirty minutes he was completely done with his first rosary. Since the priest had told him to pray three rosaries, he decided to meditate in between them so that he could give each one the attention to which it deserves. So, he sat crosslegged on the Institute's roof and began to contemplate what he would say to the girl whom he was thinking impurely of. During this contemplation, he said a silent prayer to God to give the strength of will and character in order to do what must be done to satisfy the absolution given to him by his priest. After that prayer, he once again focused on his rosary and prayed the four decades again. He continued this pattern until this portion of his penance was complete. By the time he finished his three rosaries, it was already 1pm in the afternoon. He had spent all of the morning performing the tasks of this symbolic ritual and it was still unfinished. Knowing this fact he teleported back into his room.   
  
***  
  
While he knew he had to do this, he was silently dreading it at the same time. Kurt knew that his priest would most likely ask him to perform this task as his penance, but it still did not make telling that person any easier. In fact, given how he felt about the person, it was going to make the task nigh impossible.  
  
The fuzzy blue mutant sat on his bed and stared at the phone on his bedside table. He stared at the portable phone for quite some time as though steeling himself for a battle which he thought that he could never possibly win. Eventually, he sighed heavily and resigned himself to his own execution. With a three-fingered, fuzzy hand, he slowly and carefully dialed Amanda Sefton's number. As he heard the phone ring, he was glad that her parents had not disconnected the private line to her room. Otherwise, this phone call would be alot tougher than it already was. As the phone continued to ring without someone picking up, Kurt began to become more and more agitated. He soon began to lower the phone to the receiver as he did not think he could take the idea of her not being there when he had something so important to tell her.  
  
All of a sudden his sensitive ears picked up "Hello?...Hello?" In a flash, the receiver was returned to his ear.  
  
"Amanda?"  
  
"Kurt. Oh, I'm so glad to hear from you, how are you doing today, Fuzzy?"  
  
"Not bad, liebchen. Um, is zere any vay you can get out of ze house to talk about zomething?"  
  
"Sure, Kurt. Is something wrong?"  
  
"Nein, liebchen, nein. Nothing is wrong. Can you meet me in ze park in about fifteen minutes?"  
  
"Sure, Kurt. I'll be there waiting by the fountain."  
  
"See you zere, liebchen."  
  
With that, Kurt slowly hung up the phone. Well, he has gained a slim stay of execution. Now he has fifteen minutes to live before he breaks the news to Amanda. Donning his image inducer once again, Kurt grabs few snacks and begins his sequence of teleports to the park fountain. He makes sure to periodically eat the morsels in order to keep up his caloric intake which will allow him to teleport all the way to the park.  
  
  
  
***  
  
Amanda Sefton sat on the green park bench near the fountain of Bayville's main park. Surprisingly enough, there were few to no parkgoers today, so whatever she and Kurt would talk about would be in relative privacy. She brushed her chocolate brown hair behind her ears nervously as she awaited her boyfriend. She had no idea what Kurt wanted to talk about, but no matter what, she was here for him.   
  
Her wait soon came to an end as she heard the familiar sound of Kurt teleporting into the nearby area. She looked around and soon spotted him walking out from behind a nearby tree. She saw he had his inducer activated and it tore at her heart. No one should have to hide behind a false image in order to go through life. It was simply wrong. She swore that if they ever got married, that she would make the world see Kurt for who he really is, not for what he appears to be without his inducer. As the pale-skinned boy with blue hair sat down next to her, she took his hand in hers and held it tightly. He smiled and unconciously tightened the grip.   
  
Soon, his face became a mask as he stared at her. He could see that his facial expression and the unending silence was unnerving her, so he spoke. "Liebechen, Amanda, I have zomething to tell you." Before she could interrupt him he held up his free hand in order to quiet her. "The last few weeks I have been daydreaming about you. I know that this does not seem like a strange thing, but let me explain. These are no ordinary daydreams. In fact, they are quite sexual. Part of me knows zat such feelings zometime down ze line are more zan normal, however, at zis stage of our relationship, they are impure and wrong. I went to confession zis morning and ze priest zaid zat I should tell you about zem as part of my penance. I hope you can forgive me.  
  
Amanda simply stared at Kurt. To say that she was dumbstruck would be an eggregious understatement of the facts. In reality she was utterly speechless. She did not know what to say or think about what Kurt had just confided in her. Part of her was overjoyed that Kurt would think such ways about her. Another part of her was concerned. After all, if she were to bear his children, would they look more like her or like him? Would they have to wear image inducers their whole lives in order to fit into society? Could she live that way, knowing that she may never live a normal existence again?  
  
As Amanda asked herself these important questions, Kurt waited patiently for her response, any response from his girlfriend. Finally, after an excuriatingly long wait, Amanda finally spoke. "Kurt, I want you to know that I love you very much. What you have just told me is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. To know that I am wanted that way by someone I care so deeply about is very touching. However, we've only been going out a few months now and this is all rather sudden. In fact, it rather frightens me a bit. It has nothing to do with you, this is simply my own insecurities coming to light. For right now, I think it would be best if we didn't see each other anymore."  
  
Then and their Kurt's fragile heart and psyche cleaved into a million tiny pieces. The unspeakable had happened. The person he was in love with wanted no part of him all because he was being truthful and carrying out his devout faith-life. He had been worried that she simply might get angry about what he said. To say that he was completely unprepared for such a turn of events is very understandable. In fact, it was absolutely true. Through the fog which had begun to envelope his brain he heard Amanda say her goodbyes to him and return home.   
  
He sat there for hours without moving. He didn't care to move. Amanda, the one girl who truly showed him compassion and love, was gone and out of his life. He then looked upward to the heavens asking his Creator why such a thing was to happened. Then a little voice in his head spoke up. 'You are a monster. A demon. A demon cannot be saved.'  
  
German Translations:  
  
Liebchen - dear, love (as a person)  
  
Dankeschön - Thank you  
  
Vater - Father  
  
Ja - Yes 


	2. A Lustful Dream Worthy of Confession

To say that Kurt was feeling depressed when he finally returned to the gates of the Institute would be a gross understatement. In fact, he was so depressed that he teleported from the gates directly to his room just so that no one would bother him on his trek up there. However, all was still not to be peaceful for the Institute's resident elf. That one teleport sapped the remaining bits of strength from him and he collapsed onto his bedroom floor where he was revisited by the dream which had started this whole fiasco.  
  
~~~  
  
It was a bright summer's day at the Institute. Very few people were here, however, since they wished to be with their families more. Despite having family back in Germany, Kurt had opted to stay with his surrogate family in America so that he could be close to those who wished to remain at the Institute and Amanda, his liebchen. In fact, it was Amanda that was pervading the elf's thoughts at that current point in time. She was on her way to the Institute to be with him for a while today.   
  
Kurt, despite his very acute senses, did not hear her soft footfallas as she entered his already open room. As she made her way secretively towards the bed where he lay at the present moment, her mind catalogued every unique curve and feature of his body. When she was upon him finally, she planted a feather-light kiss at the base of his neck, making him shiver. He turned to her and kissed her full on the lips. "'Manda! Oh, it's so good to see you again, liebchen. How are you?"  
  
"I'm fine, Fuzzy. But right now, I don't want to talk too much." As she said this, she fixed him with a seductive stare. Once her meaning was known, she walked back to the open bedroom door and shut it ever so gently, making sure to lock it once it was shut. She then proceeded to walk back to where Kurt was now sitting stock rigid.  
  
"Liebchen! I..." All further complaints were stalled by Amanda's lips assaulting Kurt's. He could not believe what she was doing. In fact, it seemed almost animalistic in nature. But his pure, innocent liebchen couldn't be thinking of doing such things...could she? Forcefully and hungrily she parted his lips with her tongue. Their two tongues dueled for supremacy as Amanda began unbuttoning her blouse with one hand while the other kept Kurt's face as close to her's as possible.  
  
Kurt meanwhile, despite his gentle nature was kissing Amanda as ravenously as she was him. In the back of his mind he knew he should stop this, (heh, Kurt having a conscience in a dream...it could happen) but some part of him buried deep inside wanted this, yearned for it and it slowly began to take control. As his heightened senses picked up the faint noise of Amanda shrugging off her blouse, his tail began to whip around behind him excitedly. He then proceeded to lay his girlfriend on his bed. A fur-covered three-fingered hand slowly carressed the girl's caramel skin as she moaned into his mouth. His roaming hand traced the outline of the satin bra she wore.  
  
As his hands continued to roam about her body, she began to retaliate in a similar manner. She began by helping him out of the short sleeve button-down shirt he was wearing. Once his furry chest was exposed for the world to see, her hands began roaming and mussing the fur in very unique ways. In her mind's eye she could see his tail whipping about throughout this lovemaking and decided to try a hypothesis she'd had (and I'm sure it'd crossed her mind in some fashion in the eps). She slowly ran her hand down his back and pressed him closer to her so that the forming bulge in his pants met her hips. She then proceeded to slowly stroke his tail from the base to as far as she could reach. All of a sudden, she could feel a wetness near her crotch as she stroked his tail. She broke their fiery kiss to see that he had literally creamed his pants. At that second, she realized how simply erotic Kurt's tail was for him and began kissing him with a renewed fervor. Throughout the entire rest of their romantic and erotic episode, the two empassioned lovers continued their quest to consummate their budding relationship.   
  
~~~  
  
It's just too bad that this is all a dream. 


	3. The Savior of a Demonic Elf?

It was dinnertime before anyone found the resident fuzzy elf. Kitty had already been downstairs talking with everyone in the living room when she noticed the lack of Kurt's boisterous attitude. Checking her watch and realizing that he was about to be late for dinner, even with his teleportation, she decided to go find him. She soon was at the door to his room and was about to knock when she realized something peculiar. Even when he was by himself, Kurt was never quiet and it was deathly silent on the other side of his door. Fearing the worst, she phased right through the door, exclaiming in as chipper a voice as she could muster "C'mon, Fuzzy Elf, you're about to miss dinner." The sight that greeted her was shocking. There was Kurt, lying prone on the ground and from the looks of it, barely breathing. Without even thinking twice, she took a hold of his hand and let go of her control over her mutation. Like two boulders, the two mutants phased through four floors in almost fifteen seconds. When they finally landed on the sterile metal floor of one of the sub-basement levels, Kitty immediately went to the hospital wing to find Dr. McCoy. She knew that, despite his noble and outgoing attitude, he disliked being around the others looking the way he does. In that way, he was actually more self-conscious than Kurt was. Eventually, she found the elusive doctor huddled over a computer screen and snacking on a few sandwiches. "Dr. McCoy, come quick!"

Hank McCoy, otherwise known as Beast, turned and looked at the girl shouting in the doorway. "Whatever could warrant such an outburst, Kitty? What's wrong?"

"It's Kurt...he's barely breathing."

In an instant, the good doctor bolted for the door, the work on his computer screen forgotten. He had almost made it to the elevator when Kitty shouted to him, "No, this way, I phased him down here." She beckoned him to follow as she led him to the spot where Kurt had been put to rest once she had phased him down to the sub-basement.

"Oh my stars and garters," said the good doctor solemnly. He saw the unconscious form of Nightcrawler and instantly went to his side. Picking up the prone boy as gingerly as possible, he quickly bounded back into the med lab where he quickly set the boy on an oxygen supply and respirator along with a heart monitor.

Soon the furry boy had tubes and machines galore hooked to him in order to closely monitor his condition. Soon, much sooner than either Kitty or Hank thought possible, Kurt's eyes fluttered open. "Ugh, vat hit me?" His eyes slowly scanned his surroundings to find that he was in one of the sterile bedrooms of the med lab. Before he had time to process any other thoughts, two small arms wrapped themselves around in in a bone-crushing hug.

"Don't EVER do that again, Fuzzy," said Kitty in a slightly admonishing tone. She followed this up by whispering in his ear, "You had me worried sick."

"O-of course, Katzchen." With that, the fuzzy elf slipped once more into unconsciousness. Hank assured Kitty that it was simply due to lack of nutrients that he passed out. However, she remained by his side the entire time he lay in the med lab bed. She skipped dinner, never leaving him, making sure that he would survive, for she was not sure what she would do without her fuzzy elf.

The next day, Kurt was excused from school due to sickness and Kitty simply skipped, although the school thought she was ill like Kurt. After Kurt's episode yesterday and Kitty's reaction to it, Beast advised the Professor that it would be in the girl's best interest not to leave Kurt's side while he recovered. Both men hoped that the experience would be beneficial to all and that Kitty might uncover what had happened to make Kurt become comatose in the first place.

Kitty awoke with a severe crick in her neck and cramp in her back. Before she even opened her eyes, she realized that her body was in a position it should most certainly NOT be in. However, the part of her brain that should've reminded her that she was still sleeping in the chair by Kurt's bedside down in the hospital wing wasn't functioning at that time. As she attempted to fix her body's position in her makeshift bed, she leaned back slightly and the chair slipped out from under her with a loud clatter. Kitty was dumped out of the chair backwards in an awkward sommersault which left her sprawled on the floor. Groggily, Kitty Pryde got to her feet and then finally realized what happened and where she was. Her eyes darted frantically towards the sleeping form of Kurt Wagner. She smiled ever so slightly at the angelic form of her best friend. Her smile instantly turned to worry as she saw that he still had all the tubes in him from yesterday's fiasco. Part of her had prayed that it had only been a very bad dream, but now she realized just how real an experience it was. With renewed strength and speed born of pure adrenaline, Kitty was instantly at his side. Whispering softly to him she said, "Fuzzy? Oh, I hope you're alright. I don't know what happened to you yesterday, but as Yaweh is my witness, I am going to find out and help you defeat whatever it is. You have my word, my beautiful Fuzzy Elf. I will save you." 


	4. Ailments of the Fuzzy One Revealed

To say that Kitty was worried more than ever about what had befallen Kurt would be a gross understatement. In fact, despite how she initially received everyone's favorite fuzzy elf, she and Kurt were so close in her eyes that they were at least best friends if not truly surrogate brother and sister. Growing up an only child, Kitty never had a sibling either to depend on her or to depend on when the need arose. Therefore, when she was thrust into the life at the X-mansion, it was an eye-opening experience in more ways than one. Here she finally had a family larger than simply her parents that counted on her both as a person and as a working part of the team. She knew it was her duty both as an X-man and as Kurt's sister/friend to help him in whatever capacity she could. Knowing this, she mentally contacted the Professor through the psychic link that he shared with everyone at the mansion. Professor, are you there?

Professor Charles Xavier was in his personal study, contemplating the events of the past day or so when he was telepathically contacted by Catherine Pryde. He smiled inwardly at the concern Shadowcat had for Kurt and decided what he could do to ease the girl's troubled mind. Yes, Kitty, I am in my study. What can I do for you?

The young X-man sighed at the Professor's mental question. I was wondering if we could talk about what happened with Kurt. I still don't really understand what happened. I want to help him, but I don't know how.

The Professor began moving towards the door of his study as his mind multi-tasked with the conversation with Kitty. I will be there shortly, child. I know how most of my students dislike this form of communication. Plus, given what actually happened to Kurt, I think this news is best taken in the presence of another person rather than in one's mind.

Thank you, Professor. After breaking the mental link with the Professor, Kitty mulled over what the Professor had already told her. She quickly realized that the situation must be much more serious than anyone previously said. After all, what news could be so bad that it "is best taken in the presence of another person"? The only reason you want someone to tell you bad news is to have someone there to comfort you because of how badly you would take it. Right? The first image conjured by her mind as an example of this was the stereotypical policeman at the front door telling a parent that their child was the victim of some heinous crime. At that thought, her eyes widened and she audibly gasped. No, it couldn't be. She turned toward the still sleeping form of her friend, her eyes wide with shock. It just couldn't be. He was so in love with Amanda. There was just no way it could be possible. She shook her head at the thought to clear such negative thoughts and feelings from her mind. The last thing Kurt needed was the person who swore an oath to save him, from whatever happened to him, to be thinking so negatively about the situation. Shortly after this attempt at clearing away her fears, she saw Professor Xavier enter the medlab as his wheelchair glides over the metal flooring of the subbasement. He had a relatively somber expression adorning his countenance which served only to restrengthen the negative thoughts Kitty had tried so hard to expel. 

Professor Xavier saw Kitty watching protectively over Kurt and it set his mind somewhat at ease. While entirely untrained in any way to medically help Kurt, Kitty would undoubtedly do all she could to help Kurt recover from the ordeal he was currently facing. He wheeled over to where the girl was hovering over Kurt's bedside like a mother hen protecting her chicks. "Kitty, if you would be so kind as to follow me into the next room for this discussion?" She gave him a perplexed look but followed nonetheless. Once in the next room, he motioned for her to sit in one of the chairs by the door and once she complied he began. "Kitty, I realize that you are very worried about Kurt's sudden collapse yesterday. However, I can assure you that he is no immediate danger at this point. Now, you must understand something. Kurt went through a difficult time yesterday. When I had been informed by Beast about Kurt's condition, I used my powers to scan his most recent memories to see if I could ascertain why he was the way he was. On the surface, he simply passed out from using up too many calories when he teleported to the park and back from the mansion. However, if that were just the case, he would not have been in the state he was in when you found him. I noticed, during my brief probe, that his mind had quite literally given up the will to live. I will not go into details now as to the reason behind that. I am sure that once Kurt is up and around that he will most likely tell you himself. However, do let everyone know that while he is in a fragile psychological state at the moment, he should be treated normally. He needs his friends and family by his side during this time to show him that there is a reason he is still here. Do you understand Kitty?"

Kitty was floored to say the least. All her previous fears returned in full force by the end of the Professor's words and she simply nodded at his question since she did not trust her voice at this point. She had been right in her inference for the reason that the Professor wanted to tell this to her in person. Kurt basically tried to kill himself. But from what the Professor said, it was more of a subconscious effort than any outward attempt. This news was even more unsettling than finding an empty bottle of sleeping pills or both of his wrist cut open and the knife near him. He simply gave up the will to live and did so after losing consciousness from an excess of teleporting. Such a development was frightening indeed. As she continued to ponder these thoughts, she only vaguely registered that the Professor placed a comforting hand on her shoulder before leaving her to her thoughts. Once she left her stupor and was absolutely certain that both Beast and the Professor were nowhere in the vicinity, Kitty emptied her body of all the excess fluid she had as she cried an unending stream of tears for her friend. She couldn't believe it. What had happened for him to want to die and leave everyone behind. To leave her without him. It just wasn't fair. He was the happy one. He was the light at the end of everyone's dark tunnel when they were down. Kurt didn't get sad; he was the most upbeat person she had ever met. What could've happened to make him do such a violent one-eighty on everything. As the answers wouldn't come, she wailed harder as her body was wracked by the spasms caused by excessive depression and crying. It was then that doubt first entered her mind. If Kurt could give up so easily on life, then maybe there really was nothing she could do to help him. Maybe she couldn't save him. 


	5. A Sister's Day at School

Rogue was concerned. Her stepbrother of sorts was back at the mansion and in the ICU unit of the medlab. No one, including the Professor or Dr. McCoy, truly understood Kurt's condition to the point of being able to give a definitive answer as to why he collapsed on his bedroom floor. The only thing anyone could guess is that he teleported way too far without keeping up his caloric intake. It was common knowledge that Kurt's teleportation was in direct conjunction with his metabolism and in order for him to perform multiple bursts, or teleporting very far away in one attempt, he needed high calorie foods to keep him conscious so that he didn't pass out once he came out of the parallel dimension he crosses while teleporting. But if it was a simple case of too much teleportation, then why would he still be at the mansion today when all he needed would be to gorge himself with what's in the fridge before leaving for school? If that really was the case, of course. And Kitty even got out of school today because she was so distraught. The resident Bayville goth thought hard about that one. Kitty seemed really shaken about the whole thing. She had talked to Beast about Kurt's condition and realized just how shaken Kitty was by how she found Kurt. She guessed she would probably be the same way if she had found her stepbrother in such a state. 

As she continued onto her next class, she accidentally clipped a student in the shoulder as she made her way down the crowded hall. Rogue turned to face the student and apologize, but no sooner had the words begun to leave her mouth when she realized who she'd clipped: Amanda Sefton. Rogue's eyes instantly went wide and she quickly grabbed Amanda's left arm with her right hand and gently began leading her towards a nearby classroom. Not heeding the girl's questions as to why she was being dragged away from her next class, Rogue's only thought right then was that if Amanda knew about Kurt's condition, she might be able to snap him out of whatever funk he was in right now. Once Rogue found an abandoned classroom, she shut the door behind them and released Amanda from her grasp. 

It was shortly after Rogue released her that Amanda's brain caught up to the situation. She knew from Kurt that Rogue was technically a sister of sorts to Kurt and so this entire episode might have something to do with her need for space from her fuzzy boyfriend. This worried her greatly. It was hard enough for her not to go to the X-mansion and beat the door down to apologize to Kurt for what was said yesterday, but she still wasn't entirely comfortable with the situation between them to see Kurt just yet. She was surprised, however, that she hadn't seen him all day. Despite not having any classes together, she could usually find him at least once during the day if she wanted to, and sometimes even if she didn't. It was these two thoughts that fed the anxiety growing within her. It affected her to the point where she hadn't heard what Rogue had just said to her. "I..I'm sorry, what was that Rogue?"

Exasperated, the young goth repeated herself. "Ah asked if ya knew that Blue Boy wasn't at school today" she stated in her customary southern drawl.

Amanda could only blink at that statement. Kurt, not at school? Why not? There's no real reason why he should be absent today. It was then her fears about her talk with Kurt reasserted themselves. "N-no. No I didn't. Is everything alright?" 

Rogue sighed at Amanda's response. "Unfortunately, no. Kurt...he almos' died yestaday. We're not entirely sure why, but he was barely breathin' when Kitty found 'im. He's at the mansion and unda surveilance fer now. But whatever it was, he's ok fer now."

To say Amanda was shocked would've been the understatement of the decade. Kurt almost died? He was barely breathing when they found him? No, it couldn't be. It couldn't be because of their talk. Sure, he was sad when they parted ways, but not that bad. Right? RIGHT? She couldn't hold back the torrent of emotion anymore and began to sob where she stood as she knew in her heart that rejecting him like she had had pushed Kurt into this somehow.

Rogue was certainly surprised by her companion's reaction. She was sure that Amanda would be upset at hearing about Kurt's condition, but not to this extent. "Ah-Ah'm sorry, 'manda. If Ah'd known you'd cry 'bout it, Ah wouldn't've told ya. But it'll be alrahght. Kurt's ok now." She reached out to put her gloved hand on Amanda's shoulder to comfort the distraught girl.

Before Rogue's hand could reach her, Amanda shrank away from the attempted contact. She then quickly moved past the goth and bolted out the door, leaving a thoroughly stunned Rogue in her wake to ponder why she had reacted so strangely.

By the time school ended Rogue still had no idea why Amanda reacted the way she did to the news about Kurt. It was almost as if she thought it had been her fault or something. But that was ludicrous; wasn't it? After all, she and Kurt were more in love than the X-mansion's resident clueless couple, Scott Summers and Jean Grey. Everyone at the mansion knew that those two were deeply in love with one another even if they couldn't admit it to one another. But Amanda and Kurt seemed to have a bond that even dwarfed this set of soulmates. With that being the case, then how could Amanda think she had anything to do with Kurt's predicament? It just simply did not add up and left the goth wondering. As she reached Scott's car for the drive home, she noticed Amanda looking almost longingly at her as the rest of the X-men began piling in the car for the trek home. It was strange at best and had the effect of unnerving the young girl. She sighed deeply and mentally shelved everything regarding Amanda until she would be able to talk to the Professor, or Kurt for that matter, about why Amanda might be behaving so strangely.

When the group finally arrived home, Rogue went to the infirmary to check on Kurt's condition. There she saw Kitty, looming over Kurt's still form as he slept, the equipment attached to him giving off beeps at regular intervals to signify his continued bodily functions. "Is he any better," croaked out the young goth to her roommate. 

Kitty couldn't even respond, she almost imperceptibly nodded her head in response, but Rogue was able to see the small movement for what it was worth. "No, he's not. I-in fact, I think this entire scenario is worse than everyone originally thought."

At this statement, Rogue started to get a little worried. What could be worse than finding Kurt basically dead on his bedroom floor? It just didn't seem plausible. But Amanda's strange behavior began to reassert itself in her mind the more she thought about it. She motioned for Kitty to follow her out of Kurt's room and into the adjoining one where the Professor had told Kitty the real reason for Kurt's condition. "Before ya say anathin', Ah need ta tell ya somethin. Ah talked to 'manda today at school and she was actin really weird. She was spacin out and when Ah told her 'bout Kurt, she literally flipped out cryin'. Ah knew she'd be upset, but it was like she was 'xpectin it or somethin. Like she caused it."

Following Rogue's statement, Kitty's face ran a quick gamut of emotions: thoughtfulness, perplexion, disblief and absolute rage. With a guttural scream, the normally quite and at times enigmatic Kitty Pryde exclaimed, "THAT BITCH! I'LL KILL HER!" Without another thought, Kitty jumped into the wall and used it to phase up to ground level, then into the garage where she 'borrowed' one of Logan's motorcycles and, just like she had done once before, phased through every obstacle between her and her freedom from the Institute. In her wake, she left one exceedingly confused goth who wondered out loud, "What did Ah say?" 


End file.
